on being defended by God

if you only knew how many times this week that our Lord has given me oportunities to learn what it means to truly rest in the knowledge that HE is my defender, you would laugh...or maybe feel sorry for me.

but i'm realizing more and more that this is something that God wants to GET RID OF in my life...it's not just some personality quirk or simply part of the mandy-make-up, it's SIN and He HATES it, and so i must HATE it also. so i'm embracing it....well trying to embrace it, as God brings this to the surface and burns it away.

here's some brutal honesty guys, it's possible you may not like me after you read this....

My mind is like a rollercoaster and sometimes i just can't stop it.

i think

and analyze

and process

everything WAY too much and then i become an emotional wreck because of it. i'm constantly apologizing to the people i love the most, because i worry i've hurt them or said something wrong. i'm constantly asking the people i love the most if we're "okay" because i've read into a statement or a "look" or i worry that they've mis-read me.

(ugh this is ugly to write about)

Is "defensiveness" an emotion or even a word? I'm not quite sure, but it feels like that is exactly what God keeps bringing up in my heart. He has been SERIOUSLY working on getting me to rely on Him alone to come to my defense.

when i perceive that someone has gotten a false view of me, i believe it is my job to bring the truth into light.

i'm learning that this is VERY defensive.

i'm learning that it's not my job to worry about whether or not someone has all the facts straight about who i am or how i live my life.


(fyi, this is SUPER hard for me, i so badly want people to know my TRUE heart...but i'm learning slowly that this is God's job, NOT mine)


i've always had this sense of "justice" about me.

this has been my motto

"i don't care if you judge me, you just better KNOW me, i mean really KNOW me before you judge me"


man, when i read that statement, it sort of disgusts me. it's actually a VERY judgemental statement in and of itself. how yucky that that has been in my heart for SO long.

I turn molehills into mountains all of the time. it's hard for me to let go of words or looks, i tend to think it's my job to get to the bottom of things with questions like...

"what did you mean by that"

or

"did you think i did/said something wrong"

i've been on this exhausting path of constantly trying to bring the truth of my motives into the light.... and the worst part is, i think i do it in the name of being...

"real" and

"totally open and honest" and

"not afraid of conflict"

wow! how lame is that?!?!?!


i am focusing on...

taking every thought...EVERY thought captive.

letting go of A LOT.

letting people think what they think regardless of whether or not they have their facts straight.


For me, true freedom from this, would be to just NOT notice things that i do or say, or things that others do or say that could, maybe, possibly be misconstrued....i just don't even want to THINK about it at ALL. ignorance is bliss as they say....i want to be totally innocent in the whole "what do you think that could've meant?" arena of life.

i want to...

-take things as they come

-take EVERYONE at their word

-not read into things

-not worry that someone may have read into something i did/said and then go on my whole truth rampage--"you need to know what i really meant by that" "i think you may have misunderstood me...let me clarify" BLAH BLAH BLAH


don't really know if all of that made sense...but it is definitely where my heart is at right now :)

i need to read these truths over and over and over again. let them sink deep. let them resonate inside of me. i love the Lord. i love His words. i love that He longs for freedom for all of us, in every area. i love that His word is constantly pointing all of us toward that freedom. wow.


EXODUS 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you...you need only to be still"

1 CORINTHIANS 4:12-13 "When we are cursed, we bless: when we are persecuted, we endure it: when we are slandered, we answer kindly."

2 CORINTHIANS 6:8-10 "Through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report, genuine, yet regarded as impostors, known, yet regarded as unknown;...."

PSALM 59:17 "God my strength, I will sing praises to You. God, my defender, You are the God who loves me.