Wednesday, February 15, 2012

when peace is in a locked door

this morning i was journaling and asking God for peace.   

Photobucket

i have these moments, they come more than i would care to admit, they are moments when inside i feel panicky, overwhelmed, stressed and angry, and they happen when the three littles all need something from me while i am simultaneously trying my darnedest to get a chore checked off of my list.    

Photobucket

and for the most part (not always, i crumble at least once a day) i can hold it together on the outside, appear calm and answer kindly and pretend like it's my greatest dream to give out another cup of green juice, change another nast-o diaper and zip up the dorothy dress for the billionth time.  but inside i am going CrAzY.  and i hate that.  so this morning, i asked for the ability to actually FEEL peace in the middle of those stressful moments that happen a handful of times a day.  and i closed my journal and went skipping off to start my morning with these kiddos.  

Photobucket

i ended up microwaving my coffee and locking myself in my room for a half hour.  true story.  please don't call child protective services on me.  multiple times they tried opening the door and my heart was so happy that they couldn't.  i want to feel peace in the middle of the storm, not just before and right after but during it.  i'm not there yet.  but i know it's possible. i just know it.  

Photobucket

jessica lundahl is letting me borrow her camera since mine bit the dust.  God continues to provide for us in such neat ways.   and this camera is way nicer than my old one.  so thankful for it!

ian david is now 17 months old.  he finally decided to start walking right after he turned 16 months.  

video

he jabbers SO much.  says mama, dada, up, amen, uh-oh, bye-bye, nigh-nigh and a few others.

he is starting to YELL at us.  not funny.

when he was born, both of his tear ducts were clogged, a couple months ago his right eye cleared, but his left one is being stubborn.  i hope it clears on it's own soon, otherwise he might have to have minor surgery.

he is still nursing, but barely, maybe every other day or so.  and he is as old as ash was when he was born.  that's just bizarre to me.  if it's possible, i am simultaneously happy and sad that there isn't a newborn in this house.


Photobucket

sweet ash, who's almost 3!?!?
Photobucket

5 comments :

Sarah said...

Oh Mandy girl, I so understand that need for peace. I am the same way, whether its with work or Jordan, askign God for an abundance of Grace is something that needs to be at the top of my list. Thanks for being so honest!

Lisa Stucky said...

I completely relate.
I think as mom's, we really do grow in this.
And thankfully, God forgives us, even when we are so very disappointed in ourselves!

Hang in there girl ...
and locking yourself in your room with a cup of coffee isn't a horrible idea.

Dimitri, Melissa and Kajsa said...

oh Mans...i am there with you. although no door in my house locks ;-( and i can't have coffee because it upsets Leora A LOT. therefore i do lose it on the outside at least once a day. thanks for your vulnerability and encouragement. i needed the reminder to pray for peace During it all. I love you friend!

Courtney said...

looking forward and up. that's all we can do. and, when we don't, refocus and move on. His peace is always there for us...we just need to ask. (preaching to myself here! :-) love you!

ps. i love locked doors!

The Moffats said...

love you. been there. every.single.day. you are an amazing momma. praying peace for you.