i was arguing with my 5 year old in the middle of the night a couple nights ago. she wouldn't/couldn't tell me why she was crying and at 2 a.m., it was making me crazy. i just kept asking (louder and grumpier) why are you crying? and she just kept not answering me. i don't know what i was thinking and why i couldn't muster up compassion, but dave came in and held her and i went back to bed so utterly defeated and ashamed. surely i am the only mother who has acted like this in the middle of the night toward her tiny red head. i am so alone in this.
today is our homeschool school day at rmca. we were third in line for drop off and as i saw the first two cars full of kids hop out, i quickly realized with horror "pizza day. oh crap" i turn around just as avery was figuring it out. one day out of every month they have the ever exciting pizza day. the kids get to wear whatever they want. this is super special to the aves and so there were instant tears when she figured out that she might have missed her chance this month to wear pink or purple and dress shoes. she was crushed and embarrassed that she very well might be the only one in her class with a uniform on. and it's completely my fault. why can i not just remember that the second week of the month is pizza week? it's not that hard. she only goes one day a week. i am so alone in this.
i am reading Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen with a few ladies from church. it's good, rich with humanity and at the same time full of hope.
last night we talked about the chapter on brokenness. for some reason as we go through this life, we tend to gather information about every one around us and that ends up providing a framework for us to feel shame. "she probably never yells at her kids." "she would NEVER forget pizza week." "her house is probably always clean." "her and her husband must never fight" and on and on it goes until we feel so ashamed about our own brokenness that we hide it in the dark places and shadows of our lives. we think that by concealing our brokenness, we are closer to finding the joy we so desperately seek. but OH, OH how we are wrong. as we hide and conceal, we are pushing joy, TRUE joy, away and trading it for a false sense of happiness. and let me tell you something, i would trade a false sense of happiness for TRUE JOY any day of the week.
and as we dip our big toe into the waters of bravery and begin to speak of our own brokenness, the light shines on us, Jesus meets us there, He brings peace and hope and joy and others are freed to bring their brokenness to the table as well. joy abounds! peace abounds! we are not alone. i need Jesus! you need Jesus! what freedom, what glorious freedom. i cannot do this on my own! i'm not supposed to be able to! my brokenness reminds me that i need a Savior and that makes the brokenness in me so very beautiful.
"The deep truth is that our human suffering need not be an obstacle to the joy and peace we so desire, but can become, instead, the means to,it." nouwen
2 comments :
You are beautiful in your honesty and vulnerability, Mands! I'm reminded of the Shane & Shane song 'Embracing Accusation' ... the verse "we are cursed and gone astray" is followed by the refrain "BUT JESUS SAVES!" He does and thank God He does! Love you. xoxo.
Oh, dear, Mandy, I have had nights like that with at least 3 of my kids. I can remember them very vividly. You are not alone! Thank you for this post and the reminder that we all have brokenness and Jesus is the ONLY answer for it! Love ya, friend!
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