Monday, July 18, 2011

when no one else sees

it's 6:15 when i look at the clock. "45 minutes" i tell myself. "i can make it til then."

ian's discontent as i move him from rug, to exercauser, to highchair. i'm trying to mix up the pizza dough and keep him happy; finger foods aren't cutting it this time.

avery's mad because our new bowling pins "won't stay up". she keeps getting frustrated, so i take them away, send her to her bed and almost lose my cool as she screams and stomps up the stairs. more discipline, more tears, more lost patience.

fresh from time out, the girls are playing nicely in their room. i run up to check on them and my blood starts to boil. they've taken all of their stuffed animals out and are dressing them all in clothes from their drawer. it's a disaster in there. i yell out something like "this WILL all be cleaned up before you eat this pizza" as i run back down the stairs to put pizzas in the preheated oven and set the timer.

"mommy! ashton pooped in her underwear!" avery's words just about derail me. i leave the kitchen again and ian is super pissed that i still have not sat down to feed him. he is full out screaming at this point. i coach myself as i trudge back up the stairs, keep your cool, mandy, don't lose it, don't yell. i'm disrobing and wiping and breathing through my mouth and the timer goes off. i tell ash "sit there, don't move" and i run back down to pull the pizzas out, making sure to wash my hands first. :)

ash is clean now; new, dry undies fit snug around that cute booty. i put her in time out. and she cries. she keeps crying while i get avery set up at the table with her dinner and feed ian applesauce by the spoonful.

the tears are about to come while avery begins her incessant 4 year old inquisition. i interrupt her, "i can't answer your questions right now baby, i just can't." ashton's still crying in there, her time out is over, but i'm hoping that dave will walk through the door into this chaos. he needs to see me, to see all i've done and how i'm trying so hard to love well in the middle of all of this. someone needs to see me.

and just as quickly as those thoughts enter my head, i hear Him, no joke, i hear Him. and His words bring instant peace:

I see you.

i wipe my tears, go grab ash, kiss her cheek and bring her down for pizza and peas. we're all at the table now, girls are happy and giggly, ian's content chewing on someone's discarded pizza crust, and just then.....daddy walks through the door.


The Moffats said...

ugh. i love this...because I can so relate. i think all the mommas can. thanks for keeping it real and sharing the encouragement. love you.

Melissa said...

This brought tears to my eyes! I only have one and I have days that feel like this.
Thank you for sharing this!

Mike and Amanda said...

tears totally streaming down my you, Mand

Amanda said...

Totally relate but I don't keep my cool all that well these days :(

Kim said...

I think it's time for one of our Tuesday night dinners OUT and AWAY from the kiddo's.....let's schedule something soon. :)
I'll have a margarita waiting for you on Saturday if you want one.

Courtney said...


Melissa said...

When I wasn't a mom, I didn't think these evenings would happen to me. They do. Thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one.
And thanks for listening to Him.

Heidi said...

I think this is one of my favorite blog posts ever, because it is a glimpse into the real life of a mommy. In the midst of these precious, amazing lives we lead, there are more moments like this than I'd like to admit. And it matters to God - He sees it. He is so precious. This is really profound - thank you for sharing.

Shonna said...

I so needed this right now.....tears are running like a river